When Your Doctor Doesn’t Believe You: Healing from Medical Gaslighting
Through the years, I sat in doctors’ offices, optimistic, hopeful to get the support I needed, to work collaboratively and make progress in my health. Instead, there were specific situations in which I was met with invalidation, dismissal, and unprofessional behavior. So when I sat with a woman the other day listening to her story about how her doctor didn’t believe the health challenges she was experiencing and instead recommended a psych evaluation, it wasn’t just familiar, it was personal.
Medical gaslighting is the dark underbelly of the medical system that sends a shiver down my spine and as this woman shared her story with me, it brought back a flood of memories I managed to heal - a parade of medical professionals that took an oath and failed me.
“I witnessed a pattern firsthand at the expense of my emotional and physical health, how much awareness and change needs to occur in the medical system, not only how we diagnose and treat patients, but how we make them feel. ”
As a patient, we trust that a medical professional is safe, that they have the education and knowledge, that they will advocate for us when we are struggling to find the missing puzzle piece in a health crisis. Despite having positive labs and symptoms, the vast majority of health professionals could clearly see, I still experienced doctors and individuals that severely lacked boundaries, emotional intelligence, knowledge, empathy, and in some cases - human decency.
My intention of this blog is not to tear down the medical community, but to shine a light on an area that is growing and developing into a deep-rooted issue where patients are not being seen or met where they are.
These experiences were traumatic, dysregulated my nervous system, and one incident was so severe (that I didn’t mention here). I didn’t see a doctor or anyone in the medical community for several years.
I had a therapist that didn’t believe I was sick and stated my symptoms were just “trauma.”
The doctor that said, I don’t believe that disease exists.
There was the Nurse Practitioner I overheard say to a doctor - “Why do I keep attracting patients like this, is there something wrong with me?” And the doctor responded, “It makes you feel healthy doesn’t it?”
Then there was a doctor that told me she hated her job because of chronically ill patients like me.
It started to feel like I was a lumberjack carrying logs on my back, each traumatic experience placing another log on my back from the trauma and cruelty I experienced while battling a disease that almost killed me.
My path became not just managing and healing from a debilitating complex disease, but learning how to heal from a mess of disturbing medical gaslighting and trauma. I wrote this post for the people that are stuck, that haven’t felt seen or validated, and need some guidance on how to heal from medical gaslighting and trauma.
1). Don’t Spend Energy Trying to Convince People, Your Energy is Precious
When you don’t feel seen or heard, it’s easy to get into a space of trying to seek validation from that person. It touches on a space of self-worth and when you are navigating the complexity of a disease and chronic illness, your energy is limited. Your energy is also precious and should be treated as such, you need it to do simple tasks, to manage your symptoms, to fight during the flares and chronic pain, and to live in a sustainable way.
Don’t spend your energy trying to argue, prove, or educate someone already in this space. Let them keep their opinions and you keep your power. Focus on finding the support you need and deserve and validation will follow.
2). Medical Gaslighting Has Always Been Around
I was watching a documentary and realized in one of the stories (history) that this woman that died was misdiagnosed and originally deemed crazy and put in a psych ward where she was essentially abused. This story made me realize that even in the 1800s there have been medical issues people don’t have the answers to, people that are dismissed and labeled crazy when the disease wasn’t well known or discovered or misdiagnosed. Medical gaslighting isn’t new unfortunately, but realizing this brought perspective to my experiences.
3). The Silent Struggle We Share
When you go through these traumatic experiences, it feels deeply personal and isolating. As I navigated my health journey, I would chat with patients (some with the same disease, others with something else), and the pattern I noticed was a resonance on their journey with mine. They too, had experienced medical gaslighting, inappropriate comments, trauma, and being dismissed. I hated to hear these stories, to think that someone went through similar pain or experiences as myself, but I think these people crossed my path to show me it wasn’t just me experiencing this and it was a much deeper core issue taking place in the medical system.
4). Integrate What You Learned From Each Experience and How It Helped You Grow
One of the key aspects of moving forward and healing these wounds for me was reflecting on what I learned from each experience. There was a specific lesson for me to learn in each painful event that helped me grow. Journaling, looking at patterns, and talking through it with someone safe allowed me to get to a space of understanding that allowed me to heal.
5). They Are Not in Alignment and Don’t Have The Skills or Abilities
I had an appointment with a new doctor and relayed my experience to him with the previous doctor’s office: There was the Nurse Practitioner I overheard say to a doctor - “Why do I keep attracting patients like this, is there something wrong with me?” And the doctor responded, “It makes you feel healthy doesn’t it?”
He felt wise, grounded, and I felt safe enough to tell him about what I had experienced that left my chronic pain stricken body reeling and in a state of processing. I’ll never forget what he said to me. He said, “she didn’t have the skills or abilities.” She wanted easy stuff, quick cases. She didn’t have the capacity to meet me where I was or the awareness. Instead, it was projected on me. The people on your path that medical gaslight you and act inappropriately are not in alignment with you and as you close that door, and open a new one, someone else will come in that is.
6). Listen to Your Intuition Always
“I wish someone had taught me a lot sooner to listen to my body and how it feels around people, how it responds when people speak to me. I found that it was imperative on my path to listen to my intuition and not doubt how I felt during doctor’s appointments or any type of healthcare support. ”
If I needed a blood draw, it needed to be with someone I felt comfortable with, if I was working through trauma with a therapist, it had to be the right person. If you have a bad feeling, don’t doubt yourself, your intuition is going to help guide you on the right path when your brain and body are struggling to manage. It was my intuition that guided me to resources, support, and healing.